As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I am at two with nature.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.